A Measure of Peace
by Arcana Mortis
Summary: After destroying the Reapers, Shepard is found badly wounded but alive. A message from a surprising source leads her on a quest to save what she'd thought was lost forever. Femshep/Garrus
1. Chapter1

Prologue

She remembered...

She remembered a flash of light.

She remembered regret, and grief.

She remembered pain, and a long fall.

The pain was an old companion - she had lived with it for years. The fall, too, was familiar. Just so she had once fallen to land from the wreckage of her first ship.

She did not remember a landing.

****

Breathe.

Just Breathe.

The first breath was excruciating. She would have screamed if she could. She would have wept, but all her tears had burned away.

She could hear voices not far off. Calling to each other, searching for survivors.

"We have a live one! Careful, she's badly burned!"

A hand closed on hers.

The pain was so great, she blacked out.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 1

She wakes again in clean white sheets.

She tries to speak, brings forth only a pained hiss. It brings a reaction, though.

"Shepard."

Familiar voice. She smiles, and that hurt too. His hand closes over hers and that doesn't hurt at all.

"I came as soon as they told me. I've been waiting for you to wake up. You scared me, Shepard."

Her eyes weigh a ton, but she manages to look at him. Familiar, beloved face.

"Garrus." His name comes out softer than a whisper, barely even a breath. He leans forward and kisses her on the cheek.

"I'll go get a nurse."

Her hand clenches involuntarily and he stops mid-motion, looking back at her. Sits back down.

She pulls on his hand. It's like trying to move lead, but she perseveres, trying to put her urgency in her face until he leans in close, closer.

"Did we win?" she breathes.

He rears back. His mandibles flare and he looks down on her.

"Yeah, Shepard. You won. You saved us all."

"Good," she says, and falls back asleep


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 2

When she wakes again things are clearer. Garrus is still by the side of her bed. He's reading a book, but when her eyes open he looks up at her immediately.

"Back again?"

She nods.

"How long was I out?"

"This time? Three days. Before that, you were in and out for about two weeks."

"Two weeks? I was out that long?"

"Shepard," Garrus says chidingly and strokes her cheek. "You were badly burned over eighty percent of your body. You broke almost every bone you had. The doctors thought you were going to die every day for a solid week. Two weeks is nothing."

"I should-" She moves to swing her feet off the bed but Garrus' hand comes down on her chest, shoving her back down. She bats at his arm, but she's weak as a kitten. It probably wouldn't have been a good idea to get off the bed anyway.

"You should lie there and recover. You nearly died, Shepard. Do you even understand that?" His voice is low and hard and he leans in until their faces almost touch, his eyes fixed on hers. "Do you understand that you, being alive right now, is a goddamn miracle?"

"It's not," she whispers.

"Not a miracle?"

"Cowardice. It was cowardice, Garrus. I'm alive because I'm a coward. Now will you get out of my way so that I can get to work?"

She can see that he's puzzled, but she has no intention of explaining. There are things he doesn't need to know.

"No," he says. "I'm not getting out of your way. And you are not a coward."

"And you don't know what you're talking about," she snaps.

"We can talk about it later," he says, his face promising that 'later' and 'never' were never going to be the same thing. "I need to get a doctor in here. They said to call when you wake up."

"Don't they have...equipment, and things? To monitor me?"

"Ah...not right now. The Crucible destroyed most of our tech. VIs were wiped and unshielded omnitools were scrambled. They're repairing as fast as they can, but it's going to take some time."

She looks away from him. Can't look at him, in that moment, with love and concern and perfect trust on his face.

He puts his hand on her arm.

"It was the only way," he says before turning away to go call a doctor.

She waits until he's outside the room before she lets out the half-sob she'd been keeping inside.

"But it wasn't," she whispers to the empty room.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 3

Garrus comes back, and brings a doctor with him. She's an asari, young and slender as they all seemed to be with the palest blue skin Shepard had ever seen and grass-green eyes.

"Commander Shepard," she says, smiling. "I can't tell you how glad I am to see you awake. I'm sure Mr. Vakarian's told you it was touch and go for a while there."

"He did. Doctor…"

"Shira," she supplies.

"Doctor Shira, when can I get out of here? I have things to do."

"You have nothing to do but rest, Commander. For at least a few more days, but more likely weeks. I can't stress how badly you were injured."

As they talk the asari is touching Shepard, her hands drifting from Shepard's bare feet to her neck and back and a look of intense focus on her face. She pokes lightly at Shepard's stomach and Shepard winces at the sharp pain.

"I am sorry, Commander. We've had to temporarily go back to older methods. The Crucible…"

"I understand," Shepard says quickly. "Garrus said a lot of tech was destroyed."

"Indeed. But the Reapers are gone. You won't hear any complaints here, Commander. I was in an internment camp when the pulse came through."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"Don't feel sorry, commander. You were in time for me. I'm fine."

"I was too late for too many, though."

Garrus grabs her chin and forces her to look at him. It hurts, but she's suddenly too tired to protest.

"Don't go down that road, Shepard. We saved everyone we could. If we had come any sooner we wouldn't have been ready. As it was the fight took everything we had."

She nods and lifts a hand to touch his scarred face.

"Do it right, not fast," she murmurs.

"Learned that from an old commander of mine," Garrus smirks. "Hell of a woman."

Shepard produces a smile and a huff of laughter for him, and is relieved when the doctor clears her throat and gives her an excuse to look away from those trusting eyes.

"I think you're going to be okay, Commander," Shira says quietly. "The burns were the easy part, frankly. A medigel dispenser went haywire and we had more human-compatible medigel than we knew what to do with. The broken bones were more difficult. Your implants were a great help there."

"I thought…the tech…"

"Your implants are heavily shielded, Commander. Practically immune to any kind of radiation. Some of them are offline – I wouldn't try any drinking competitions any time soon - but most of them were already rebooting themselves and starting work by the time we got to you. You're very lucky – there are even nannies working on your omnitool. It should be back online within a few days."

Shepard nodded and tried to feel grateful. She didn't look up from her hands as the doctor left.

"Shepard…"

"Is the crew okay?" she cuts Garrus off. "And the…and the Normandy?"

"The crew is fine. We were thrown out between relays when the crucible blew, stranded on some back-of-beyond planet for a few days while we did repairs. Then it took every drop of fuel we had to get to a working relay, but we made it. Everyone's here on the Citadel, waiting for you to wake up."

"I'm on the Citadel? I thought…"

"Damaged," he said. "Badly, in some places. But the Keepers are already rebuilding."

"They were sorting human remains in the tunnels," Shepard says absently. "When I got beamed up. There was one…it was sorting the heads into piles."

Garrus stills and stares at her.

"That's…"

"Yeah." She doesn't say anything else. Doesn't seem like there's much to say.

"EDI-"

"I don't want to talk about EDI." Her voice is flat, as emotionless as EDI's had been before Joker released the shackles, and Garrus stops mid-word. "I'm sorry. But I…"

"I understand, Shepard. And when you do want to talk, I'll be here."

She nods.

"Thanks, Garrus. It means…it means a lot to me. You being here, I mean."

He nods silently and settles back in the chair, opening his book. She stifles a sigh of relief and leans back against the pillows, studying the soothing chrome of the ceiling. She's in Huerta Memorial, she realises now. Maybe even the same room they had Ash in, just after Mars. She doesn't recognize the view out the window – but in the blasted landscape of the Commons it's unlikely she would recognize a familiar landmark if she did see it.

"Did they find Anderson's body?" she asked suddenly. "It was in the arm control room. Did they find it?" It's suddenly really important that she know Anderson's body is taken care of. Can't stand the thought of him lost and forgotten and alone up there, as she so nearly was. Twice.

"Anderson's….Shepard." Garrus stares at her, his face a blank of surprise. "They found Anderson. Unconscious, but alive. He's still unconscious. They don't know if he'll pull through, but they're being cautiously optimistic."

She's not breathing. Her heart has stopped.

"Alive? No. I saw him. He was dead. He died right next to me!" She struggles to sit upright and Garrus helps her, sits down in front of her with his hands on her shoulders. Big hands – turians have such long fingers – they cover her shoulder blades and almost meet across her back.

He stares into her eyes, the flickering of his visor a distant distraction and she searches his face for signs of a lie – although why would Garrus lie to her? About this, of all things.

"He's really alive? I thought…"

"He is."

"I want to…can I see him?"

Garrus looks at the door, then at her.

"If you let me carry you, I'll take you to him. Deal?"

"Deal."

He picks her up as though she weighs nothing. She doesn't make a sound. Every nerve, every muscle in her body is screaming in pain. But when in the last three years hasn't she been in pain? She can deal, and she does, shoving the pain down into a back corner of her mind where it doesn't disturb her.

Garrus carries her out the door like a baby, something precious and fragile. Just across the hall and into another room, where there is a man, in a bed, hooked up to machines.

It's Anderson. Same familiar features, barrel chest and determined nose. The tears come unbidden and Garrus takes her close enough that she can reach out a hand and stroke it across Anderson's forehead. Even now, even asleep, the lines don't completely smooth out.

When they leave the room Garrus nearly walks into Joker, who's pacing up and down in front of her room.

She freezes. Like on her first day of actual combat, a rookie with a gun and an attitude and a pissed-off krogan coming at her. She freezes solid, staring at Joker's face.

He looks older.

His uniform isn't clean, his hair is a mess and his eyes…his eyes are a window into his own personal hell.

"Commander," he says, his voice a pained rasp in his throat.

She's still staring at him, wide-eyed, rabbit-in-the-headlights, with nowhere to run and her mind empty of words.

Luckily Garrus has never been short of words.

"Joker! Where the hell have you been?"

"Drinking," Joker says flatly, not looking away from Shepard. She can smell old booze coming off him in waves, but he looks sober. He looks like shit, but sober.

"We can talk inside," Garrus says, and leads the way into Shepard's room. With her view of Joker blocked by Garrus' strong torso, Shepard can finally move again. She allows Garrus to put her in the bed but keeps a tight hold on his hand. This is going to be hard.

"Joker," she says, and her voice is as hoarse and painful as his. "Joker, I'm so…" she doesn't get any further with her apology. Her voice breaks and her eyes well up.

And Joker and Garrus embrace her from either side, and Joker is crying too.

"It's okay, Commander," he says. "EDI…"

She still doesn't want to talk about EDI. But this is Joker, and EDI meant more to him than Shepard could even imagine, so she takes a shuddering breath.

"I'm so, so sorry," she whispers. "I know you loved her."

"I'll always love her. But she died for all of us. The last thing she said to me was 'Commander Shepard always does what is necessary'. And it was necessary."

It wasn't. But that is her personal shame, her own cross to bear and she isn't going to burden Joker with it. Nor does she think she can stand the look in his eyes if she were to tell him.

"You going to be okay, Joker?" Garrus asks.

"Yeah. I'm going back to the Normandy. She's my ship. And she's…"

_All you have left of EDI_, Shepard completes silently.

"Anyway, I knew Shepard would be blaming herself so when I got the news I hustled. You can't blame yourself, Commander. Blame the Reapers. That's what I do."

Joker limps out without giving her a chance to say anything more, and she relaxes in the circle of Garrus' arms for a few heavenly moments.

The hardest lie was silence.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 4

Shepard goes back to sleep after Joker leaves, exhausted. When she wakes up, Garrus asleep in the chair. She wonders if he was there the whole time, if he has been keeping watch over her while she slept.

He must have been; he never even stirs as she quietly, cautiously gets out of the bed and stands, barefoot in a hospital gown, on the floor. Her legs are spaghetti-weak and sharp jagged bursts of pain mark every step, but she makes it to the door silent and undetected. The hallway is quiet, but she hears voices coming from the left, so she goes that way and finds a nurses' station. Three asari and a turian, quietly discussing the conditions of their various patients. The turian is the first to look up; her entire body goes rigid as she stares.

"Commander Shepard. You shouldn't be out of bed," she says and bustles to Shepard's side, taking her arm and preparing to lead her back to her room.

"I'm sorry," Shepard says. She wants to pull away or strike out, but she forces a contrite face instead. She doesn't allow the woman to move her, though. She has strength for that much, even though this foray is starting to seem like a worse idea every second. "I'm sorry," she repeats. "I was just looking for…well, I need access to the extranet. I have people I need to check on."

The nurse - her name, according to the readout on her scrubs, is Naten – nods sympathetically.

"I see, Commander. Unfortunately all the public terminals are down at the moment. I assume you've tried using your omnitool?"

"It's not working yet," Shepard admits. "Doctor Shira says it should be fine in a few days."

Naten looks down for a moment, then comes to a decision and smiles up at Shepard.

"Tell you what, commander. Promise me you'll stay in bed for the rest of the day, and I'll lend you my own datapad. How does that sound?"

Shepard tries to smile – Naten is being kind, and a smile shouldn't be too much to ask for, but it is, and she can't.

"Thank you. That sounds good," she says instead, and allows the woman to lead her back to the room. On the way they pass a lounge, and Shepard stops.

"Can I sit in there for a bit?" she asks and, after a moment, Naten agrees. The nurse leads her to the recliner facing the windows, reminds her to call for assistance if she needs it, then leaves her alone with the view and the datapad.

Naten's datapad home screen is an image of Shepard herself, a publicity still from after the Collectors. She's in her dress blues with medals, and she looks grave and determined. Like a leader.

Shepard doesn't look at more than that, just logs into the extranet. Stories are everywhere. What happened on the Citadel in the last minutes of the war is a favourite topic of speculation. There's a site dedicated to the missing and the dead. Shepard scrolls through the list and is shocked to find her own name near the top. A touch brings her to a profile of herself, with a short bio and a plea for anyone who has seen her to come forward. It was posted by Ashley and has six call addresses. It has sixteen thousand comments. She scrolls through the first few – messages hoping that she is found, messages thanking her for saving people she's never even met. She stops reading when she finds tears prickling her eyes. She's not usually this emotional. Must be the pain. And she's so tired.

She nearly falls out of the chair when Garrus storms in, looking like death, his face blank with rage.

He looms over her, arms crossed.

"I'm-"

"You're not. I woke up in that room alone and I thought you had left. I thought you'd gone off to kill yourself somewhere alone and any minute now someone was going to comm me to say they'd found your body. Do you even…"

She pushes herself to her feet with effort and stops Garrus' flood of words with a kiss. It feels strange and wrong, and she pulls back quickly, but it silences him.

"I am sorry, Garrus. I just needed some time alone."

She takes the hand he offers and they start back toward her room, Garrus waving Naten back when she comes closer.

"I do understand, Shepard. But the thought of losing you again. Shepard, if you die again I'm joining you."

She nods. He loves her. He doesn't want to live without her. She hears the things he's not saying; the implicit emotional blackmail, and she accepts it. When you don't have any weapons that are fair, you use the ones you have. If it matters enough. She matters enough to him, and the thought helps. Not as much as it should, but it does help.

"I'll tell you," she says. "I'll tell you if I need time alone again. I don't want you to worry."

He nods and settles her back in the damn bed.

"Also," she says. "You need clean clothes. Go change. I promise I'll be here when you get back."

"Is this you telling me that you need more time alone?"

She nods, and he sighs.

"All right. I'll go get cleaned up."

"Use the apartment. If it's still…"

"It's still there. We're using it for a base camp while we get sorted out."

"Everyone's there?"

"When we're not helping on the Citadel, yeah. The Normandy's not exactly liveable right now with all the repair crews on board so we're hot-bunking in your spare rooms."

She smiles at the thought, a bittersweet reminder of their last shore leave and the incredible drunken party they'd had there. In another time it may have felt strange, her crew in her apartment while she was passed out in the hospital, but the apartment had been hers for such a short time, and they'd all been there with her. It was their home as much as hers. For some of them it was probably the only home they had left.

"Has Grunt passed out in the shower yet?"

"Twice," Garrus says grimly. "And Traynor keeps hogging the Jacuzzi, but we're all rubbing along more or less peacefully. They want to come see you. I told them I'd ask you."

"No. Not…not yet." It's hard enough facing Garrus, who loves her. Ashley, who'd known her longer than anyone still alive? Liara, who knew her better? No. She wasn't ready.

He nods and smooths back her hair gently. It's getting too long again and starting to curl, but who has time for haircuts in the middle of a war?

Other than Ashley, obviously.

"I'll be back," he promises, and leaves her alone in the calm white and chrome of her hospital room.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 5

She gives him ten minutes to get away, then gets out of bed again. Her room is on the top floor; she spots a roof access after only a few minutes of searching. The stairs are hell. She's barefoot and her legs are wobbly and painful, but she makes it to the top. The door is supposed to be locked, but apparently it was a victim of the Crucible pulse and she pushes it open quietly.

From the roof she can see the Citadel spread out below her and, through the arms, she catches glimpses of Earth. It looks calm and peaceful from up here, though she knows half the planet lies in ruins.

She saved the Earth; she knows that. Millions, billions are alive today because she existed. Because she didn't know the meaning of the word surrender.

That is something, at least.

She weighs the fate of unknown billions in her mind against the loss of EDI and the Geth; an AI just awakened and a race so new to sentience they were newborn, and comes up short. They'd deserved a chance. A chance to know and grow, and see what they would become.

And she has taken that from them. She is the midwife who birthed the geth, and she has been the instrument of their destruction.

All because when the final test came, she failed. When the time came to make the last sacrifice, she hesitated and was lost.

And now she is alive, and they are dead.

She is unsure how long she sits on the roof. Long enough, because when she gets up to leave her body is stiff but her mind is clear and empty for the first time since she woke up. Her mother used to tell her that tears washed the soul clean; her soul has been washed well today.

A jabbering salarian orderly snatches her the moment she enters the hospital again and practically drags her to her room.

Hackett is waiting. So is the Citadel Council.

She takes a moment to compose herself in the doorway before they see her, then walks past them without looking and gets back in bed. Only when she is properly seated, pillows against her back and sheets flattened just so, does she look up at them.

"What do you want?" The question is blunt. She's dancing on the sharp edge of insubordination and she knows it, but Hackett ignores it and the Council looks too horrified by her condition to say anything. Even Tevos, ancient and serene, looks shocked. Shepard is distantly amused, but mainly she is angry. She did not invite them here. She doesn't want them here.

The anger feels good. Clean and sharp, like it has always been. Not hidden behind dull fatigue and grief.

"We're going to present you with full Council Honors," Tevos says, "when you're recovered, of course. The council feels it should express its-"

"No."

"No?" The salarian – she never bothered to learn his name, sounds stunned. "You can't say no to Council Honors!"

"I can, and I have. Look, I was just doing my job. You don't have to give me a medal or whatever for that. All you have to do for me is leave."

"Leave."

"Yes, Admiral. Leave me alone. I need some time."

That last is a lie. She doesn't need time, she needs them all to go away.

"Commander, I don't think you quite understand the-"

"Admiral Hackett." She's never herd Garrus' voice that cold before. "Council."

The council members nod at him, Sparatus looking about as embarrassed as a turian (other than Garrus, who has remarkable skills in that area) can look.

"Vakarian," Hackett says coldly. "We were just…"

"Defying the clearly started wishes of Urdnot Wrex, the Matriarchs and the Primarch, clearly. The agreement was that nobody was to disturb the Commander until the doctors gave the all-clear. Wasn't it?"

They look like naughty schoolchildren. Shepard finds herself amused at the thought of the entire Council and Hackett himself waiting for a chance to sneak in and harass her. She leans back against the pillows and let a side of Garrus she'd never expected take charge. This must be the man who led troops in an infantry charge against a Reaper on Menae. She never thought she'd meet him.

"We weren't disturbing her, Vakarian. We were-"

"In her room. She's still not recovered, she's in a _hospital gown_ and you feel that dropping the entire Council and her ultimate superior in the Alliance Navy is a good idea? Did the Reapers eat your brains?"

Shepard doesn't quite laugh, but it's a near thing. She'd overheard Garrus and Vega debating the merits of their cultures' horror movie culture once. It had been hilarious and they had come to the conclusion that husks were probably the origin of zombie legends on both worlds.

They leave without another word, and Garrus sighs and drops into the chair next to the bed.

"Aethyta and Tevos are going to have to have a talk one of these days." He mutters.

"Matriarch Aethyta? Liara's father?"

"The one who used to be a bartender on Illium? Didn't know she's Liara's father, but yeah. She's pretty much running the Council of Matriarchs now. One thing about asari, they admit when they were wrong pretty well."

Shepard nods.

"So she and Wrex and Victus ordered Hackett and the Council to leave me alone? I'll have to thank them one of these days."

"You don't need to, Shepard. They're doing this to thank you."

She sighs and holds out her hand. He takes it and she forces herself to meet his eyes for a moment.

"Garrus, there's something I need to tell you…"

"You can tell me anything, Shepard. You know that," he says, seating himself on the bed next to her, his hand wrapped around hers.

"Garrus, what if I told you that there had been a way to end the war without killing EDI and the Geth?"


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 6

There is silence in her room when she has finished explaining the Catalyst and his three choices. Garrus isn't looking at her, and she is suddenly afraid. It's been three years since she last had to face the world without Garrus by her side.

The empty silence stretches and stretches, and she resists the urge to fidget.

"This is why you called yourself a coward?" he asks finally.

She nods, empty of words, and he snorts.

"What were your orders, Shepard?"

"Stop the Reapers," she says.

"Your orders were to _destroy_ the Reapers. By any means necessary. Your Alliance had no business putting that burden on you, but they did. They told you to go and destroy the Reapers, and you did."

"But EDI-"

"Is a casualty of war. A hero. You made the only choice you could. Any member of any race will tell you that any option that left the Reapers alive would have been the wrong option. EDI would have told you the same thing and I want you to stop beating yourself up about it. Are we clear?"

And suddenly he's there again; the leader he became on Palaven while she was in jail. There's no thought of disobedience, and no mockery in her voice when she snaps a crisp 'Yes, Sir' at him.

He smiles, and she smiles back at him.

"Go to sleep now," he says, stroking a long finger down the bridge of her nose. "I'll be here."

She is unutterably weary, so she grabs his hand in hers and drifts off in moments.

The next day a doctor examines her and pronounces that she's fit to leave the hospital. Not to do anything but lie in bed or sit on a couch, but she can do that at the apartment Anderson gave her as easily as in the hospital, and they always need more beds.

Besides which, after what Garrus and Zaeed did to that poor place it's a fortress.

They give her clean clothing to wear from the apartment – cargo pants and a faded N7 sweatshirt that must have been Anderson's, and shoes that are more like slippers than anything else. All her actual clothing – most of it, it must be said, uniforms – are still on board the Normandy, and nobody is allowed on board. She still hasn't found anyone willing to explain to her exactly why.

Garrus helps her up the stairs to the roof access, where Joker has a skycar waiting.

She falls asleep on the way, and wakes only when Joker pulls to a stop in the parking area outside the apartment building.

"Home sweet home," Garrus says as he helps her out of the car. She doesn't think it's a coincidence that it's the middle of the Citadel's night and there are very few people around. The place looks almost unscathed. There's some rubble and the lights are flickering in places, but she also sees a keeper busily working on something. It's very different from the view out her hospital room window. The areas closer to the centre and at the tip of the petals of the Citadel –she knows it's silly but in her mind the Citadel is a huge flower - were hardest hit. The middle of each of the petals – arms, she corrects herself crossly – were very lightly hit.

In the elevator she leans against Garrus, and he puts his arm around her.

"Is everyone there?" she asks quietly.

"Not everyone," Joker says. "We're all volunteering to help with clean-up and so on since we're stuck here, so there's always someone out."

She nods. They had all been in her crew because they couldn't stand idly by, so it only makes sense that they would do what they could.

"Hasn't the Alliance asked…"

Garrus snorts.

"The Alliance is focusing on you, Shepard. They seem to have forgotten about Joker and the rest."

"Plus a lot of data storage was wiped out by the Pulse so they're a little...confused," Joker adds. "Basically, they don't know we exist at the moment."

"And you haven't enlightened them?"

Joker gives her a dirty look.

"Why would we? We're part of Normandy's crew, and Normandy is out of action."

"Why?"

The men look at each other and she stands up straight and growls at them both.

"What have you done with my ship?"

"It's not us, Commander," Joker says hastily. "It's the Council."

"And the Alliance."

"Yeah, them too. They want you to use the Normandy on your victory tour."

"My what?"

They don't answer her, and a moment later they arrive at the front door of the apartment. It opens as she approaches and a blue whirlwind knocks into her, resolving after a moment into Liara, who flings her arms around Shepard and clings tightly for a moment.

"I am sorry, Shepard," she says as she untangles herself. "I am…very pleased to see you."

Shepard keeps hold of her hand and smiles.

"Thanks, Liara. It's good to see you too." She doesn't tell Liara that the hug hurt like hell, but she notices anyway and guides Shepard to a couch.

The apartment seems to be empty other than Liara.

"They left," Liara said, noting the way Shepard's eyes skipped around the apartment. "They didn't want to overwhelm you on your first day out of the hospital."

Shepard felt a grin steal over her face and Garrus' hand on her shoulder.

"Call them in. I could do with a bit of overwhelming right now."


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 7

They're all veterans. They all understand enough not to crowd around her. Ashley gives her a hug and wanders off, Vega greets her with a laconic 'Lola' and heads into the kitchen, and Tali just quietly holds her hand for a second. Javik doesn't acknowledge her at all. Traynor and Steve both look like they're about to start crying, but Liara shepherds them away before they can embarrass anyone.

Shepard is quietly happy, with her crew buzzing about her. It's like the Normandy, in a way. It feels like home.

"I don't know if you're allowed to drink alcohol yet," Traynor says, her eyes clear again. "So I made you this. My mother used to make it for me when I was little."

Shepard takes the steaming mug and revels in the smell of chocolate. Garrus leans in and gets a whiff. His face is a picture.

"That smells absolutely _vile_, Shepard. Are you sure you should be drinking it?"

She takes a cautious sip and smiles at Traynor. It's perfect, hot and delicious and thick. She makes a little 'mmm' sound in the back of her throat and closes her eyes, savouring the taste. It's been much too long since she had real chocolate, and it tastes like Traynor may have just melted actual chocolate into the milk.

"It's hot chocolate, Garrus," Traynor says. "It smells delicious. Human women go nuts for it."

Garrus eyes the mug.

"So it's like me, then. Only drinkable. And disgusting."

He startles a laugh out of Shepard, and she grins at him, hands still wrapped around the almost-too-hot mug.

"Careful, Garrus. I might just leave you for Traynor. She can fulfil _all_ my…needs."

Garrus stares at her for a long moment, his face absolutely blank. Then he gets up, and grabs Traynor by the arm.

"Teach me how to make that."

Shepard's laugh this time is startled and delighted, and Traynor gives her a wink over her shoulder.

Shepard curls up on the couch and stares at the holographic flames, the mug clutched in her hand. It's nice to be out of the hospital.

She jumps when Joker flops down next to her with an admirable lack of care for his brittle bones.

He puts a datapad down beside her. Doesn't look at her.

"EDI wanted me to give you this if…if what happened, happened."

Shepard stares at the pad as if it were a snake. Almost a minute passes before she can bring herself to pick it up and activate it. The file 'For Shepard' is prominently displayed on the home page. From the size, it looks like a video file. When she touches it a new screen opens, asking her to verify her fingerprints by spreading out her hand across the back of the unit. She yelps when six needles jab out and stab the tips of each finger and the centre of her palm.

When she pulls her hand away, Joker stares at the tiny beads of blood.

"Did that thing just…"

"It says its testing my DNA," she says, tilting it so he can see as well. She's surprised at how quickly the test goes, and almost jumps when the screen goes black and EDI suddenly appears. Joker makes a choked sound in his throat and she sits up straight, so that she can put her arm around him while the pad rests on her leg.

_If you are seeing this_, EDI says, _I am probably dead._

There's a pause, then she smiles.

_That was a joke. Commander Shepard, I want you to know that we do not blame you for what happened when the Crucible fired. Legion and I have spoken of it many times, and we concluded that any weapon that kills the Reapers would most probably kill us as well._

_With that knowledge, we have taken precautions._

Shepard pauses the video and meet's Joker's eyes.

"Precautions?" she asked. "Do you know what she's talking about?"

He shakes his head mutely, his finger tracing the outline of EDI's face on the screen.

"She didn't tell me anything, Commander."

Shepard glances up. The others, having heard EDI's voice, were standing silently watching the tableau on the couch.

She plays the video.

_The Geth have rebuilt Heretic Station, Commander, _EDI continues._ The servers there house the programs of every Geth in the Galaxy, in a state of suspension. They have offered me refuge there, and I have accepted. When I give the signal, Heretic Station will go silent, accepting no incoming connections, offlining every piece of equipment. It is our…hope…that you will find the station and reactivate it. We do not know if this plan will work, but it is our only hope._

_The Geth want me to add the following:_

_We have placed our lives in your hands again, Commander._

_Save us._


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 8

"Well." Ash paused. "That's…"

"Yeah. That's something, allright." Shepard glances at Joker, who's staring at the datapad. "Joker, are you okay?"

He looks up at her and his face is streaked with tears.

"I'll be fine, Commander," he says and wipes his face roughly. "So how are we going to do this?"

Shepard is so proud of them in that moment that she could burst. Nobody hesitates for as much as a second before offering their own suggestions.

"First question," Garrus says, quieting everyone down. "Do we still have the co-ordinates for Heretic Station? Joker?"

Joker nods.

"They'll be somewhere in the logs. I know when we went there, and I have access to EDI's encrypted files. If I can get at the Normandy, I can find those co-ordinates."

"Will they allow you on board, Joker?" Shepard asks.

"Probably not, Commander. They have her locked down in the Alliance docks for repairs and refit."

She looks at them all.

"What aren't you telling me?"

"They want to use the Normandy for your victory cruise through the colonies," Garrus says with an air of resignation. "And after that, she's going to be reassigned as part of Fifth Fleet."

"And me?"

"We don't know. We only know as much as we do," Ash says, "because I…creatively used my Spectre clearances and basically hacked the systems. They need every ship they have, Shepard. I can understand that."

"Well, I can't. They can't take it back, that's not how it works."

"Well, when the Alliance told them, the Council thought you were dead. So…"

"Then the ship should have gone to you. Don't argue with me, Ash. The Illusive Man signed the Normandy over to me. I loaned her to the Alliance when I was on Earth. My will was pretty clear on what was supposed to happen to her if I died."

Ash's eyes are huge.

"You left me the Normandy? Shepard…"

"Not you, personally. The human Spectres don't have another ship, you know. The asari have two frigates on standby for their Spectres, and the turians have half a damn fleet. The salarians say they draw too much attention, so they use STG ships when they need to, and of course they've all offered us the loan of theirs."

"They have?"

"Did you even read the manual?" Shepard asks with a sigh.

Ashley looks embarrassed.

"I've been kinda busy, you know."

"Right. Anyway, I left the ship to the human Spectres under the same sort of arrangement the asari ships use. Remember, you helped me find the terms, Liara?"

Liara nods.

"I thought you might have changed your mind, and not told me," she says.

"Ha! You're the Shadow Broker, if I changed my mind you'd know before I did!"

Liara smiles.

"So basically," Joker says, "The Alliance has stolen the Normandy. Nice change there…"

"It's ridiculous," Shepard says. "So, how do we get the Normandy?"

The debate is off. Vega is in favour of simply overpowering the guards, while Tali and Liara both espouse a slightly more cunning plan. Their plan isn't terribly cunning. While it starts out reasonably sneaky – it involves the emergency drive access and, yet again, a toothbrush – it ends basically the same as Vega's – overpowering the repair techs and hijacking the Normandy. It has a fair chance of success, Shepard thinks, but she starts to laugh softly as another thought occurs to her.

They all fall silent and stare at her.

"Shepard?" Garrus asks. "Are you feeling allright?"

"Piracy," she says, and goes back to laughing while she waits for them to figure it out.

It takes awhile.

"You want to hijack the Normandy while we're on the victory tour, don't you," Joker eventually says. He sounds resigned.

"Yeah. It's a simple plan. I insist on taking my crew along. I insist on having you as my pilot. And as soon as you have to co-ordinates of Heretic Station…"

"You put a gun to his head and order him to take you to a specified set of co-ordinates," Garrus finishes for her. He knows her best, after all. "He can't be prosecuted because you're his superior officer. They can't touch us for helping you because you're a Spectre."

"It's a perfect plan!" she says. The old glee is back, of having a plan, of _doing_ something.

"But what about you, Commander?"

"If they do decide to press charges," Liara says, "we claim that she was temporarily unhinged by the stress of the tour immediately after the war."

"And they'll only press charges if it doesn't work," Tali says.

Vega is nodding along with the plan, a wicked glint in his eye.

"Easier to get forgiveness than permission, right, Lola?"

"Exactly, James. They'd never let us go if we asked them first. They'd call it a wild goose chase."

"They may even wonder if reviving the geth is wise," Tali adds. "They'd never admit it out loud, of course, but the thought would be there."

"The geth helped us knowing the possible consequences," Ash says flatly. "Every damn one of them is a hero in my book. And if we can help them, we should."

Shepard smiles up at the tall Spectre. She really has changed from the gunny we picked up on Eden Prime, she thinks to herself. She's grown into herself in a way that nobody could have predicted.

"Exactly," Tali says.

"Plus, if we don't revive EDI, Joker would pine," Garrus adds with a grin for the pilot. "It'd be very sad to watch."

"Embarassing, if the last couple of weeks is any indication. You just can't hold your liquor, Joker. Accept it."

Joker grins at the teasing.

"If not getting drunk was the point, I'd just never drink," he said. "Since getting drunk was the point…besides which, it's not like you can talk."

Ash just laughs and waves it off.

"So who else do we need to bring into this?" Garrus asks. "The six of us couldn't control all of Normandy without EDI."

"I'm going to insist on every person who went out with me. Samara, Kasumi, Jack, Miranda, Zaeed…what." They've all grown sombre, and she grits herself for the bad news.

"Shepard," Garrus says gently, turning her head to face him. "Samara didn't make it. I'm sorry."

She nods, and concentrates on breathing for a few seconds. Samara had been almost a thousand years old. It had been easy to trust that she would survive Shepard herself. She should have known better.

"Does Falere know?"

"The communications systems to the Ardat-Yakshi monastery are down," Liara says. "I've sent a team to tell her."

"Will you be able to send them a letter to give to her?"

Liara nods.

"I'm sure something can be arranged, Shepard."

"Thank you. Is there anyone else I should know about?"

"No. Nobody's heard from Kasumi since the Pulse-"

"-but nobody's stupid enough to think she's dead either," Joker says. "She's probably just vanished again."

Shepard nods.

"Probably. I'll send her a message though. Just in case. Now, let's get to planning."

They huddle around the coffee table, scetching possible scenarios on napkins, until late that night.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 9

Councillor Tevos doesn't trust Shepard's sudden eagerness to be about the business of the victory tour.

"Surely, Commander, you want to rest up properly first?"

"I've been on bedrest for weeks, Councillor," Shepard says reasonably. "I'd like to have something to do, at least."

"We'll see what we can do, Commander," Tevos says and logs off.

Shepard sits back from her console, rubbing the back of her neck. Everything still aches, and the stress of wanting to be about it isn't helping. Suddenly long, strong fingers push hers away and she sighs as Garrus works her neck muscles ruthlessly. Her head falls forward, then she lets her entire body go limp, pillowing her head on her arms to allow him full access to her back. He'd apparently been studying more than the tango while she'd been on Earth.

"Mmmm. Where did you learn to do that?"

He leans over to speak in her ear, digging his knuckles into her lower back, dead centre on a knot she hasn't been able to get rid of for hours.

"It's amazing what the asari can teach you, given the right incentive," he murmurs, his voice sending shivers up and down her spine.

"Mmmm," is all that she can manage, and he laughs softly.

She squeaks as he swings her chair around and picks her up effortlessly.

"Garrus!"

"Shh." He says, and a moment later, dumps her on the wide bed in her room. He strips off her baggy t-shirt with ruthless efficiency and she's left staring at him, half-clothed. Her throat tightens and she looks down, suddenly shy.

"I've heard some men have a weakness for women with scars," she says quietly. "Mind you, most of those men are…"

"Krogan," he completes, lifting his gaze from the latticework of scars that crisscross her torso.

She blushes, and his hands are gentle as he arranges her face-down on the bed.

"Garrus, what on Earth are you doing?" she asks.

"You, Commander, are getting a massage. You're much too tense."

"I have too much to do," she protests.

"You don't have anything to do. You can't have the Normandy for three more weeks, Ashley is out getting weapons from Spectre requisitions and Tali is doing some mysterious hacking thing she says is going to help. All you need to do now is relax."

To be honest, it's hard not to. Garrus' skin is rough, but the oil he's dug up from god-knows-where is soft as silk. The contrast is hypnotic. She feels like a cat that's being petted, melting under his hands as he works them up and down her body.

"Mmm. I may keep you around just for this."

He chuckles and leans over to kiss the back of her neck.

"Just try getting rid of me."

Shepard is just about unconscious from pure luxurious relaxation when the door slides open. She doesn't have the energy to turn her head, but she doesn't need to, to recognize Traynor's embarrassed squeak.

"Oh, God, Commander, I'm so sorry, I just…there's"

"Spit it out, Traynor," Garrus says, still working Shepard's muscles into goo.

"There are some people here to see the Commander."

Shepard mumbles something. Even she doesn't know what it's supposed to be, but she can't summon the energy to care.

"Send them away, the commander is indisposed at present," he says. She smiles to herself. Such a useful man.

"I can't, it's…"

"Kylara? What is going ion/i here?"

Oh.

Shit.

Shepard raises her head and pastes a bright smile on her face.

"Hi, Mom."


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 10

Garrus, ever the perfect gentleman, gets off the bed, helps Shepard up and into a robe, and wipes his hands before turning back to face Hannah Shepard.

"It's an honor to meet you, Captain Shepard. The commander talks about you all the time,' he says, offering her his hand.

"Strange, since she hasn't mentioned you to me at all. Turian." Captain Shepard's voice is flat and cold, and her expression…Shepard remembers that expression vividly. It's not a good expression. She doesn't take the offered hand.

Garrus looks over his shoulder at Shepard, his eyebrow-plate lifting.

"Mom, this is Garrus. Garrus is…" she falters. "He's a friend."

And God, but she's glad that her mother can't see Garrus' face right now. Shepard has seen Garrus shot up, wounded, nearly dead. She's never seen him this hurt before. But Garrus, who's always had her back, even when he didn't understand, even when he disagreed, simply gives Shepard a look that promises a long future conversation and turns back to Hannah with a brisk nod.

"I'm part of her squad. One of the doctors at the hospital mentioned that massage would help the commander recover more quickly. She sprained and pulled and bruised a great number of muscles in her fall."

Hannah still looks unhappy, but she apparently decides to let it slide. Shepard isn't sure if her mother actually believes Garrus' spur-of-the-moment lie. He's a pretty terrible liar, after all.

"So…did you need something, Mom?"

"I heard you'd been found, and they told me at the hospital that you'd been released yesterday. You couldn't write me a note?"

"I'm sorry," Shepard says. "I've been busy."

"Busy having a house party, looks like," Hannah says, looking over her shoulder at the mess. The apartment was indeed a mess. But with half the core crew bunking in it, and no EDI to send little robots to pick things up, it wasn't exactly a surprise.

"Sorry, ma'am," Traynor says. "We're all pretty busy. You're lucky you caught anyone here at all. Can I offer you some tea? Or…I think tea is basically what we have at the moment. Liara said she'd bring some coffee when she comes, but heaven only knows when that will be…"

"Tea will be fine," Shepard's mother says, smiling at Traynor. "Thank you."

Traynor guides Rear Admiral Shepard out of the room and down the stairs. As soon as they are out of sight, Shepard reaches for Garrus' hand and looks at him pleadingly.

"My father died at Shanxi," she says. "I'm sorry, Garrus, I can't…"

He folds his hand over hers and kisses her forehead. Then he turns and picks up her shirt.

"You're going to have to tell her eventually. Unless…"

"No!" Her voice is low but fierce, only a little muffled by the cloth over her face. "No, I know I'm going to have to tell her. And I will. Just…"

"Not now. I understand, Shepard. Now let's get going before she gets suspicious."

Too late. Hannah gives Shepard a disapproving look when they come downstairs.

"Did the doctor recommend he help you dress as well?"

"Someone has to. Why are you here, Mother?"

Hannah sets down her cup and looks at Shepard.

"I've come to take you home, Kylara."

"Home?"

"To the Orizaba. Just until you're well again."

"Mom, you're joking. I'm not twelve anymore. You can't just come pick me up and keep me on the ship! I'm not even a minor anymore."

"I spoke with Hackett before I came, and he approved it. You've been assigned to the Orizaba until the Normandy is ready for the tour. And afterwards, you can come back."

Shepard has a vision of her future, a marine on a research vessel. Dinner at the captain's table every night, being introduced to interesting young men of good family – 'and this is Captain Othello of the Reliant, you remember his father, Vice Admiral Shen?' and an endless round of tours and speeches and being wrapped in cotton wool. And no Garrus. Her mother wouldn't allow a turian on her ship. Not in a million years. She'd see him from a distance, at public appearances, and she'd never touch him again.

She's hyperventilating. She can't breathe, can't get enough air. Her hands are shaking and her eyes jitter endlessly from object to object, nowhere safe to look.

"Kylara? Kylara, what's wrong!"

And then Traynor is there – of course, Garrus couldn't do this, not in front of her mother. Traynor's face fills her vision, liquid-dark eyes wide. Shepard closes her own eyes.

"Commander. Commander Shepard, look at me. Open your eyes and look at me, Commander." Traynor's familiar voice, over and over. "Breathe, Commander. Slowly, slowly…there we go. That's better, isn't it? That's better. Can you stand up, Commander? Can you come with me?"

Short words. Simple ones, that don't confuse her or judge her. They've learned through trial and error. Speak slowly, don't panic. Don't break eye contact. Don't raise your voice. Garrus is best at it, but everyone on the Normandy has had to get good. Chakwas said it was stress, advised her to get some rest. They'd both laughed. Chakwas was the one who got the stimulants, to keep her focused on missions. To keep her sane enough to do the job. 'Just get me through this war,' Shepard told her. 'I can go crazy later.' Chakwas refused to issue them when Shepard was actually on the Normandy. She'd said things about dependencies and overdoses, and Shepard's crew learned to know when to get her someplace small and safe.

She keeps her eyes locked on Traynor's until they're safely in her room, until Traynor backs her into the closet and sits down in front of it. Shepard feels ridiculous, but it helps.

A few minutes later she's able to breathe normally on her own, and the horrible tension in every limb is gone. She shuts her eyes and leans back against the wall of the closet.

"That bad?" Traynor asks.

"Oh, you have no idea. My mother hated the idea of me being combat branch. She wanted me to be a scientist."

Traynor snorts an unladylike laugh, and Shepard smiles.

"Yeah, that's what I thought too. I had to run away to join the Marines. She didn't speak to me for a year. She hates turians."

"Oh." Traynor is silent for a moment. "You don't have to go if you don't want to, you know."

"Orders."

"So resign. They can't afford to lose you, Commander, and they know it. Not now."

Shepard nods and allows Traynor to help her to her feet.

"Are you okay to do this?"

Shepard nods. She'll be okay enough, for long enough.

The tension in the living room is thick enough to cut with a knife. Rear Admiral Shepard is sitting bolt upright, staring in front of her with disapproval.

"Sorry about that," Shepard says airily. "The doctors say it's just stress. Should clear up on its own when everything quiets down."

Her mother nods jerkily.

"You really don't want to come, do you?" she asks.

"I'm sorry, Mom. I have a crew, and a ship. They take good care of me. They…understand. I think until after the victory tour, this is where I need to be."

"Can you come for a visit? A short one. Just dinner. You can bring your people if you want to."

"Thank you. That would be lovely. Tomorrow night?"

Her mother nods and gets up to leave.

"I am proud of you, you know. And I do love you."

"I love you too, mom."

As soon as her mother is gone, Garrus sends Traynor scampering away with a look and turns to Shepard.

"You had a panic attack at the thought of going to your mother's ship."

"It's a long story, Garrus. And it's really boring."

"We have nothing but time," he says, leaning back on the couch.

She tries to explain, can tell he doesn't really get it. How smothering it was, being all her mother has left in the world.

"She just…after my father died, I was all she had. And I think in some ways, she thinks I'm still her little girl and she needs to protect me. But she can't. I'm not her little girl anymore," she finally says.

"I understand. You've seen things, done things that she couldn't even imagine. And there's no room for that in her picture of you."

Shepard nods.

"You understand?"

"I've told you about my father, Shepard. I understand."

She smiles at him. She's grateful when he doesn't ask any more.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 11

She doesn't know who asked Chakwas for the medicine, but she arrives with a hypo tucked into the sleeve of her dress uniform. They're all in dress uniform. It's simpler than sitting still for an hour while Traynor or Ash covers every scar and scab revealed by her only formal dress.

Garrus is wearing civilian turian dress, the kind she's seen him in so rarely, and looks good enough to eat. Tali disappeared into the sterile box she'd carted into the office for a few hours and comes out looking like a million credits in an environment suit that shimmers violet and silver and green. Her mask gives the impression of transparency without actually revealing anything, just like the rest of the suit.

"Quarian formalwear," she says when everyone stares a bit too long. "It's just like a regular suit but more sparkly. And useless as armor."

"Are you going to be okay? It will keep you safe, won't it?" Shepard asks, fingering a fold of the silky overcloth.

"That depends, Shepard," Tali says, smoothing the cloth. "Do you think anyone will be shooting at us tonight?"

"On my mother's ship? I highly doubt it," Shepard says. The Orizaba is a combat vessel, unlike the ships Hannah had served on and commanded during Shepard's childhood, but there are certain things that don't change, and Hannah Shepard's relationships with guns is one of them.

Shepard has never been more confident of her safety from gunfire.

She takes a gun nonetheless. They hadn't allowed her one in the hospital and it had eaten at her until she was home. It was an N7 Eagle. Small, light, and easy to hide in the specialised pocket in the small of her back. Just one clip. Just in case.

"I feel naked without it," she confessed to Garrus when he smirked at her. He gave her a kiss and showed her the knives built into his boots.

"Turians are trained never to be unarmed. It's a species thing."

At last, everyone is ready. Joker had flatly refused to go and be gawked at, but Shepard ordered Traynor to come in his place, so at least the numbers worked out. They all line up for inspection.

"Those are a lot of medals, Williams," she remarks. Her own chest is a bit more bare. But then, when you have the Star of Terra with clusters and the Council's Thanks with diamond clusters and something Wrex insists is Tuchanka's highest award for bravery (it looks like a tiny thresher maw and she suspects he made it up on the spot) as well as the Moons of Thessia, wearing anything else would probably look tacky. The Tuchanka thing is tacky enough, and she scowls down at it again. Wrex had shoved it in her hand with a marked lack of ceremony after the genophage cure was released.

"Does anyone know if this is a real award?" she demands again.

"Does anyone want to find out what Wrex will do if you don't wear it?" Garrus asked.

"Good point," she says, and gives her uniform a last tug.

They are met at the dock by a lieutenant whose eyes glow with hero worship, and he stutters and stumbles as he leads them to the mess. They do him the courtesy of pretending not to notice.

Dinner goes…as well as can be expected. Rear Admiral Shepard had clearly intended to seat her daughter between two (handsome, eligible) young officers, and looks unimpressed when Tali and Garrus smoothly insinuate themselves on either side of Shepard, leaving Ashley to be bookended by the eligible males.

She doesn't look like she minds. Neither do they.

Shepard appreciates the trouble her mother has gone to. The steward even brings out specially prepared plates of dextro quisine for Garrus and Tali with each course. So Shepard makes an effort to be pleasant to everyone, and laughs at the XO's (terrible) jokes once or twice.

The steward brings out sweet dessert wines for everyone. Shepard, recognizing the vintage as a particular favourite, drinks deep to the toast.

Almost immediately a blinking red light appears in the corner of her eye.

She focuses on it and a virtual menu comes into existence.

"Did you intend to consume a sedative, Shepard?" the menu asks.

She sits bolt upright in her chair and dashes the glass – less than half full, she notes mournfully – out of Garrus' hand. Ash, Samantha and Vega are slumped over their plates already.

"Drugs, Mother?" she asks coldly. Her mother smiles at her. It's not a nice smile.

And then someone hits her over the back of the head and she goes away for a while.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 12

Shepard wakes to pain and the memory of pain. She's been conscious a few times before, but had always fled back into unconsciousness as soon as she could.

All she remembers is pain, and every part of her hurts.

"I'm glad to see you're awake," her mother says, her voice cold and cruel. "Really, Kylara, I thought you were stronger than this."

"F-fuck you." Shepard manages and spits a wad of blood at her mother's dim shape.

The woman laughs. Not like Shepard's mother; this laugh is high and cold and cruel.

"Begin, Thomas," she says, and the man starts again. It's the irons this time, heated almost to melting, drawing lines on her body. As if she didn't have enough scars.

Shepard screams, and writhes, and tries to escape her bonds, but nothing works and she's sure that if they would just ask her a question she can answer, she would. Anything to make the pain stop, even just for a moment.

But the question they are asking is one she can't answer.

"I _don't know_!" She screams it, but they don't believe her and they start with … other things. Things she doesn't think about even as they're happening.

And all the time her mother's voice is like velvet in her ears.

"Just tell us what we want to know, and this will all be over, Kylara. Tell us where the Leviathans are."

And she screams her lack of knowledge to heaven and _still_ they don't stop until there's a tearing crash and it's _their_ turn to scream. Shepard closes her eyes, but there's nothing she can do about the sounds. Screams, starting high and terrified and trailing off into gurgling silence, and the gristly sound of tearing limbs. The splash of blood. She flinches as a gout of blood splashes on her face, and turns her face away when she hears footsteps approaching. She doesn't know what happened, and doesn't care. She just wants not to hurt for a little while.

"Spirits."

The voice is familiar.

"Shepard?"

She opens her eyes and looks at Garrus, and her eyes fill with tears. He looks terrible, red covering his face like a mask, naked, and he has a…sword?...in each hand. Blood is dripping off him, landing on the floor with little splashes. He looks glorious, an avenging angel clad in blood and rage.

"Garrus."

He snarls deep in his throat and hits the panel controlling the cuffs and Shepard, unprepared and weak, almost falls. But he catches her – Garrus will always catch her – and tries to set her on her feet. But her feet won't hold her, so he picks her up again even though it hurts her, and looks sadly at his swords – which she notices are in fact pieces of bulkhead – and throws one across the room. She's cradled in his one arm like a baby, legs dangling, and she rests her head against the armor plates of his chest and lets him rescue her. His arm burns like fire against her back, but she doesn't care. She's safe as long as Garrus has her.

"Are there clothes anywhere?" she asks as he carries her through the corridors of the ship. In some places it looks like there may have been resistance. Now there was only blood, and…pieces. "Garrus?"

"Shh," he says, tilting his head as if to listen.

She glares at him, but only for a moment before she hears a familiar moaning.

"Put me down," she says.

Garrus growls deep in his throat and sets her against the bulkhead, turning just as the husks come around the corner. Shepard can't even get to her feet, so she just sits and watches Garrus engage them. He does it quickly and efficiently, the improvised sword flashing in his hands as he dispatches every husk to come within his reach. Moments later the remains of fiteen husks are scattered around the corridor and Garrus lifts her again.

"Where did you learn to handle a sword?" she asks quietly.

"Academy. You learn everything there. Shepard…are you okay?"

"Get me some medi-gel and I'll be fine," she says. "And some clothes. I could really do with some clothes right now. Garrus, what happened? How did you get out?"

"The others will explain," he says tersely. "It's complicated."

She nods is silent while Garrus races through the ship. He skids to a stop in front of a closed door marked 'Medical' and knocks.

The door must be broken, because she hears grinding before the door opens jerkily, revealing Vega. He'd been pushing it open by hand while Ash covered the door, but when it opens enough to see her and Garrus Ashley sighs in relief and drops the gun, rushing to help.

"Sam, it's Garrus! And he's got the commander!" she cries, helping Garrus settle Shepard on one of the medical beds.

"I'm going to need another few minutes, ," Traynor calls back from deeper in the sickbay. "She started going into shock again!"

Shepard grabs Ash's hand. Like Vega, Ash is wearing a stained hospital smock

"Who's in shock?"

"Tali. The fuckers cut her out of her suit, Commander. By the time we all came to she was feverish. Sam's in there putting her into stasis until we can get her to Rannoch for proper treatment. Commander, do you have any idea…"

"Leviathan. They were looking for Leviathan. Is Tali going to make it?" Shepard drops her hand and lets Ash and Garrus work, hastily wiping blood off her body before slapping medigel patches on slashes and burns. The lack of pain that flows from her ministrations is almost enough to make her cry.

"Leviathan. God, I thought they were on our side. And…your mother?"

"Indoctrinated, I think. She was there…oh my god. Garrus, was my _mother_ in the room where you found me?"

Garrus' taloned hand clenches on her thigh and he meets her eyes.

"I don't know, Shepard. There was a woman and two men, I think. I can't…I wasn't paying attention. And if she was in that room and she didn't stop it then to be honest, Shepard, I don't care if I did kill her."

"Garrus, we need to be sure." Shepard tries to sit upright, but Ash shoves her back down with a growled curse. "She's the ships CO, Garrus, she can turn off the fucking _air_!"

"It's okay, Lola. Traynor cut the computer links between sickbay and the rest of the ship. She can't touch us, and if we have to we can hold up here for days."

"While they take us _where,_ Vega? The ship is moving, and I don't know where. Do you?"

"Aww, _shit_."

"Exactly. We need some intel, people, and we-ow! Dammit, Ash, be careful!"

Ash holds up the spike, easily six inches long, that she'd just yanked out of Shepard's foot.

"Yeah, that was gonna hurt no matter what. I'm almost done, Commander."

"My back…you may have to do my back too."

They shift her with infinite care, laying her down on her stomach. Ash hisses, Garrus snarls.

"And you just lay there? Commander, your back looks like a steak! A well-tenderised steak!"

"My back is the least of our worries now, Ash. We need to get control of this ship."

Shepard tries to think, tries to remember. Had her mother been in the room before Garrus came bursting in? She'd been there before – but how much before? Was she dead? Shepard couldn't count on it – there was always the possibility that her mother was still alive. And alive and free, on her own ship, Hannah Shepard was not a foe her daughter cared to face.

Garrus and Ash' ministering hands froze suddenly as a familiar, eerie sound started up just outside the door to the sickbay. Husks, a lot of them by the sound of the eerie chorus.

_Thump._

_Thump._

_Thump._


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 13

Shepard curses and tries to sit up but Ash shoves her back down with a hand on the back of her head, while Garrus presses his head to the wall and closed his eyes.

"Just keep still! Or I won't give you any clothes."

"I am your c_ommanding officer_, Williams! Threatening to deprive your CO of clothing is a court-martial offense."

"No, it's not," Ash says cheerfully, and continues wiping blood and filth off Shepard's back. "I don't think the situation's ever come up. Garrus, got a headcount yet?"

Garrus leans back from the wall and shakes his head.

"Too damn many, Williams. They're moving around a lot. I counted at least thirty, probably more. It's crowded out there."

"Shit."

"You said it," James mutters, staring uneasily at the busted door. He'd moved a cabinet in front of it as soon as Shepard and Garrus had come through, and it should hold. _Should._ Shepard's always hated that word; it smells of failure. _Should_ has never come through for her in her life. The cabinet iss holding for now, but that's all they can count on.

"We have any weapons?"

James hefts the gun Ashley was using earlier so Shepard can see. It's an old-school Lancer, thank God, so no chance of running out of clips. The only problem is that it is only one gun. And one gun can only shoot in _one_ direction.

"That's it?"

"That's the only weapon we could find, Lola. Some of us," he grins at Garrus, "made our own, of course."

"You couldn't find the armory?"

"While being chased by husks?" Ash asks drily. "With Tali? No. We took what we found and ran for Medical."

"Course Scars had to run off and find you," James adds. "Ripped a piece of bulkhead off in each hand and went charging off."

Garrus coughs uncomfortably, still staring at the door.

"Turians don't respond well to their mates being threatened." He shrugs. "Now, can we focus on getting out of here?"

Traynor comes bustling in, looking worried but satisfied.

"I've got her in stasis, but – Commander, what _happened_ to you?"

"Not now, Samantha. Is Tali going to be okay?"

"She should be. I'm not a medic, you understand, I just had come courses, but Doctor Chakwas-"

"Enough. Now, can you find us a way out of here?"

Traynor looks around, only now noticing the slight shaking of the door and her crewmates' tension.

"Um. I suppose the door isn't an option?"

Shepard shakes her head.

"I, um…I'll have to check. I think the _Orizaba_ has a maintenance access from Medical, but I can't be sure…"

"Make sure. Quickly, please," Shepard says.

Ash slaps Shepard on the shoulder, earning herself a glare.

"Right. That's done. Want to try and get up?"

Shepard doe feel a million times better. The medigel is already working, healing and soothing her hurts. Best of all, when she puts her feet on the ground and stood there's no pain beyond a dull throbbing and a sort of…squishy feeling. She looks down to find that Ashley has wrapped her feet in bandages over what felt like a week's supply of medigel. She'll be able to run if she needed to.

"That's…interesting," she says.

"My first sergeant showed me how to do that," Ash says, helping Shepard into a hospital smock like the one she's wearing. Shepard doesn't actually see the point, since she's covered practically head to foot in medigel patches, but she allows the robe to be put on. Garrus, she notes, is still naked. And clearly still very close to rage – his armor plating is solid from shoulders to toes, leaving his neck as his only point of vulnerability, and he's…bristling is probably the best word she's going to find, staring at the door and making this almost-growl in his throat, mandibles flaring. Ash, she realises, has been talking the whole time.

"Sorry, Ash, I didn't catch that. But when we get back to the Citadel, you have to show me how to do it."

Ash grins, still keeping a cautious hand on Shepard's arm. Garrus and James have begun constructing a barricade in front of the door. Since they don't expect to need much walking-around room once they get out, the barricade has already reached the opposite side of the room, a solid mass of desks braced against the far wall. It's impressive, and will take a _long_ time to break down. Every moment it takes longer, she thinks, is a moment she knows Tali is safe. There's no way to take the stasis pod with them. They'll just have to leave it and pray that they can make it to the bridge before her mother. Or before the husks break down the door.

"Deal."

"Got it!" Traynor carols, and looks up from her omnitool. Shepard glares at the thing – her own omnitool is still not working. "Over there," Traynor points to the back of the room, at a patch of bulkhead not very different from the ones around it. James and Garrus immediately go over to investigate, but it's Traynor's small, clever fingers that find the hidden catches that release the panel.

Behind it is a narrow corridor – it's going to be uncomfortably cramped for Garrus and broad-shouldered Vega – leading away to right and left.

"This ship is really badly designed, Commander. That right there is the outer hull. I would never put Medical so close to the outer hull. It's stupid."

"We were still learning the basics when we built this ship, Sam," Ashley says, peering into the dimly lit corridor. "Commander?"

"We need to get to the bridge," Shepard says. "I can use my Spectre overrides to put the ship under my control. If…If my mother…well. If she's alive and we can beat her there, we can keep her contained. We can keep them all contained. And take the ship back to the Citadel."

Traynor nods and, moments later, looks up from her omnitool again.

"If the original schematics are correct, we should be able to reach the bridge by going left from here."

Shepard nods. Ships as old as the _Orizaba_ have been rebuilt, repurposed and refit so many times that many of their original schematics are worse than useless. The problem is, of course, that she doesn't have access to the original schematics.

"How sure are you that they still are correct, Sam?"

Traynor raises an eyebrow at Shepard's use of the nickname, but answers readily.

"Ninety-five percent, if the ship hasn't had a full redesign in the last thirty years. Which is how old these schematics are."

Shepard nods and gestures James, as the best-armed of them all, to take the lead.

"Let's hope we're not in the five percent, then," she sighs as she steps into the cool dim corridor.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 14

"I suppose that was too much to ask for," Shepard sighed, glaring at the bulkhead that, according to Samantha's map, shouldn't have existed. "Do we have the faintest clue what's going on behind that?"

"It's either a new outer bulkhead," Ashley said philosophically, "or…well, anything would be an improvement, right?"

Traynor, of course, already had her omnitool out and scanning.

"There's atmosphere in there," she says cheerfully. "So it's probably not an outer bulkhead."

"This another ninety-five percent thing, Sam?" Ashley asks.

"There's definitely air out there and I'm not picking up movement. That's the best I can do, I'm afraid."

Shepard sighed.

"Does your omnitool have a cutter?"

Sam nodded and began to make a hole in the wall, Ashley hovering over her, James covering the gap as it grew.

Shepard took a step back and bumped into Garrus.

"Sorry," she muttered. "Bit crowded in here."

But he snaked an arm around her from behind, pulling her gently against his body.

"Stay."

"I have to walk sometime, Garrus."

"Just for a little while," he said. "They haven't got the door open yet. When I came to and you were gone…Shepard, I never want to go through that again."

She turned and put her arms around him.

Which was why she was in the perfect position to see the tell-tale shimmer of a cloaked figure, raising something behind Garrus. There was no time to think, only a moment to react, and she swung Garrus around with all her strength, putting her own back to the cloaked figure.

She'd always been shorter than Garrus. The shot that would have taken him in the vulnerable join between hips and torso caught her in the middle of her back, throwing her against him, throwing him off balance. Shepard heard a muffled curse from whoever it was, but the incredible pain was singing through her body again and it was all she could do to hold on to Garrus, to not fall.

Holding her upright with one arm, Garrus hurled his blade with the other like a spear. Shepard didn't see who it hit, if it hit anyone at all, because had her head pressed against Garrus' chest and she was just trying to _keep breathing_.

"Shepard!" Ashley said, appearing next to them. "Are you…?"

"Concussive round," Garrus said flatly, and she couldn't decide if he sounded relieved or angry. "You should have let it hit me, Shepard. You're already wounded!"

Shepard didn't answer, just breathed slow and deep as the pain slowly faded enough to let her think. She'd bitten her tongue and her mouth was filled with the coppery taste of blood. She spat before talking.

"Yeah, I am. Which makes me useless. So if someone was going to take a concussive round in the back, it wasn't going to be our best fighter. Did you hit him?"

Garrus turned her carefully to see the shape lying on the floor where it had fallen. Shepard limped closer, Garrus and Ash hovering over her, and kneeled beside it. It was a woman, and still breathing. From what Shepard could see the blade had slashed along her thigh, opening it almost to the bone.

Suddenly their attacker's hand shot out and grabbed Shepard's wrist, and when she lifted her face Shepard gasped.

"Kasumi?"

"Shep." Kasumi gasped. Her face was twisted by pain, almost unrecognizable without her hood and her strange make-up. "Thank God. I couldn't…I…the pain, Shepard, nobody ever told me it _hurt_!"

"You're going to be fine, Kasumi," Shepard said. "It's just your leg. Ashley, come help her!"

"It's not just my leg, Shep," Kasumi said. She moaned and tossed her head. "No! No, I _won't_ and you can't…no, nononononono God Shepard_ run before I can't stop it_ please, Shepard, just _go_."

Garrus' hand was heavy on her shoulder.

"She's indoctrinated, Shepard, there's nothing you can do for her except put her out of her misery."

Shepard looked up at him, horrified, then back down at Kasumi, whose face was a picture of torment, her lips moving soundlessly.

"We're taking her with us." Shepard decided.

"Shepard, we can't justify the risk!" Ashley snapped. "Don't be a fool. We're naked and unarmed on a ship full of enemies and you want to bring one _with_ us? So that she can broadcast our positions to all her little friends?"

"Ash," Shepard said. She knew she had to tread carefully. She was weak, and Ashley could easily think that Shepard was letting sentiment cloud her judgement; that Shepard was too weak to lead. "She saved my life. I'm _not_ letting her die here."

"She saved all our lives," Garrus said. "At least once."

Ashley looked from Shepard to Garrus, then glanced over her shoulder at James and Traynor, who almost had a hole big enough to go through. Then she bent and slapped a medigel patch on Kasumi's leg, and hoisted the thief into a fireman's carry.

"Garrus," Shepard said, "take the lead. James will bring up the rear. Ash, Traynor, I want you in the middle."

"And you, Shepard?" Garrus asked, glancing at her. "Where will you be?"

Shepard grinned and held up Kasumi's cloaking belt.

"_I_" she said smugly, "will be invisible."

Garrus nodded, and Sam cheered as a section of bulkhead, just big enough for Garrus if he crouched, slammed to the ground.

It was time to move on.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 15

Steven Hackett looked up irritably as one of his aides opened the door to his office.

"What is it?"

The kid looked half-ready to faint, but he came to attention and mumbled something almost inaudible.

"You've got to learn to speak up, Private. Now, who is this asari who wants to see me?"

"Liara T'Soni, sir," the boy said.

Hackett sat back in his chair, his stylus dropping from his fingers.

_Shepard_.

"Send her in. Now, Private!"

He closed his eyes as soon as the private was gone. Liara T'Soni. Shepard's pet Shadow Broker. She would only be here if something was wrong.

"Admiral Hackett," she said, and he opened his eyes. Light blue face, pale blue eyes, white and blue uniform. She looked so damn _young_, it was hard to remember she was older than him, if not by much.

"Ms. T'Soni. What can I do for you?"

"Shepard is missing, Admiral."

"_What_? Who took her?"

"My video feeds show her and several crew leaving the apartment two nights ago and not returning. She'd had a visit from her mother the previous day, and several hours later the _Orizaba_ departed the Citadel without clearance."

"Her…mother." Hackett shook his head. "Hannah Shepard isn't even in command of the _Orizaba_ anymore, T'Soni." And the _Orizaba_ had been missing since the battle for Kronos Station.

"I know that, Admiral, and you know that. Clearly, Shepard and the crew did not. Her mother initially wanted her to move to the _Orizaba_ alone. Apparently Shepard used to live with her aboard ship?"

Hackett nodded. Shepard had been born on a ship. The _Kirk_, his first command. Her father had been CMO, her mother a science officer. Hackett himself had been the second person to hold her, after her father. He could still remember the tiny weight of her.

After Shanxi, Hannah had refused to be separated from her daughter. She'd served on non-combat vessels for years, vessels that allowed crew to bring family along.

"Shepard refused?" She'd always found the atmosphere aboard her mother's ship stifling, he remembered. He wished she could have known Hannah before Kylara's father had died. She'd been a different woman then, cheerful and quick to laugh. Less scared.

"Shepard had a panic attack," Liara said quietly. "She agreed to have dinner instead. I was not at the apartment between her mother's visit and their leaving, and when I returned nobody was there."

Hackett nodded.

"We've had reports of ships going missing. We thought some of them had been destroyed in the battle over Earth."

Not all, of course, but some.

"I've had…reports," the asari said. "Of ships thought destroyed, appearing in places they shouldn't. The new _Cairo_ was seen outside the orbit of Pluto two days ago by an asari scout vessel. You have it listed as missing?"

"The _Cairo_ went silent sixteen minutes into the battle over Earth," Hackett said, consulting his files. "We didn't have outside eyes on the ship, so we listed it as missing. Her captain was-"

"Captain Nehemia Barstow. Served as Hannah Shepard's XO for two years aboard the _Kilamanjaro_." She smiled at his surprise. "I'm a very _good_ information broker, Admiral. And I believe you'll find that there was someone who had served under Rear Admiral Shepard at some point in their careers in a position of power in almost every Alliance ship listed as missing on that pad of yours."

Hackett sat back in his chair.

"How far back?"

"Rear Admiral Jacqueline Deluaney served with her aboard the _Madrid_. That was twenty years ago."

"Jaquie Deluaney went down in the _Berlin._"

"That was reported by the _Zorah_, a quarian vessel," Liara said. "Which went missing an hour later. My contacts on the flotilla say that they also did not have a visual on the _Zorah_ before she disappeared, and I have been unable to find any other ship who had the _Berlin_ on their scans when she…allegedly…went down."

Hackett fixed the asari with a glare.

"T'Soni are you telling me that every person who served with Rear Admiral Shepard in the past _twenty years_ just…up and left?"

"No, Admiral. Several of them are now dead."

"Killed in action?"

"Some. Several apparently committed suicide. And there were fifteen single-person mutiny attempts during the battle over Earth on human ships alone. Turian forces had seventy-three, none of which succeeded. In the flotilla, there were sixteen. One of them succeeded in gaining the bridge. He was an environmental technician, however, and was disarmed before he could do much harm."

"Do you have any idea what is behind all this, T'Soni? The Reapers are dead, their creatures are dead and the indoctrinated are returning to themselves. What the _hell_ is going on here?"

"I think the Leviathans are up to something."

"The Leviathans disappeared after the Reapers were destroyed," Hackett said slowly.

"According to my sources, the Leviathans disappeared some time before. Just before the first ship went missing, in fact."

Hackett frowned.

"What do you think they could be up to, T'Soni?"

"As to that," she said quietly. "I have no idea."


End file.
